The hardy islanders of Lewis and Harris, the Uists, Benbecula and Barra are to get an unexpected Election Bonanza following a Key Policy Announcement (KPA) by UKIP’s Election guru, Daisy Luff, yesterday.
For centuries Harris Tweed has been handwoven by islanders at their homes in the Outer Hebrides of Scotland, finished in the Outer Hebrides, and made from pure virgin wool dyed and spun in the Outer Hebrides. This definition, quality standards and protection of the Harris Tweed name are enshrined in the Harris Tweed Act 1993. The cloth has already gained a certain amount of celebrity status with Matt Smith’s Doctor Who, Gwyneth Paltrow, Madonna and Razorlight’s singer Johnny Borrell all donning the iconic tartan cloth. But it was the inspired use of Paul Nuttall’s ‘Working Class Chap Of The People ‘attire for the Stoke Election Campaign which led to yesterday’s KPA.
Hot on the heels of their other vote-winning election mantras, Paul Nuttall’s party has issued a Uniform Standard Utility Clothing Key (USUCK) requirement for all their candidates to follow during the forthcoming snap General Election. Essentially, the requirement follows the standard set down during the Stoke campaign with a couple of additions designed to appeal to the everyday working class voter. In brief, all UKIP candidates must wear the Harris Tweed mustard-yellow three-piece suit, as modelled by their leader, with matching flat caps and, in a slight tweak, plus-fours replacing the trousers. Bow-ties, in UKIP yellow and purple, are recommended over straight ones but the carrying of a ferret has been dropped in view of the difficulty of teaching candidates the ‘t’ ferret down t’ trousers’ trick in the month left before the election takes place. For senior candidates such as Paul Nuttall and Peter Whittle, bow-ties will be de rigeur with the flat cap replaced by a deerstalker as a mark of their seniority.
Daisy Luff, Election Guru, who ran the excellent Stoke Campaign is enthusiastic about the KPA’s impact on the voting public. “Just one glance at the person standing on your doorstep and you’ll know immediately that he’s a UKIP candidate. You’ll be able to immediately throw the door open and invite him for a nice cup of tea.” Labour’s Minister for UKIP Affairs and Statistics, Diane Abbott PhD (Maths) agreed that the initiative could completely change the fortunes of the Harris Tweed industry. “With UKIP fielding about one hundred candidates,” she breathily wheezed, “and assuming two outfits per candidate, that’s ummm errrm four hundred and seventy outfits meaning sales of about five trillion pounds for the Outer Hebrideans!”
Nice work if you can get it…