The compassionate face of Conservatism will be shown today when, according to some sources, on direct instructions from Downing Street, Conservative Associations and Clubs across the length and breadth of Great Britain will throw open their doors and offer Safe Places to thousands of shell-shocked UKIP Voters, Supporters and even Members.
Snoddington By The Sea opened at eight o’clock this morning and Grennett was invited in to observe compassionate Conservatism, first-hand. Even at this early hour on a blustery day in the seaside town, the venue was crowded. Blue-rinsed Tory women of ample proportions were much in evidence, putting their arms around weeping Kippers saying, “there there dear, it’s all over now. That nasty Mr Nuttall can’t get to you here.” In the corner a giant tea urn hissed steam up into the corner of the room where huge portraits of Margaret Thatcher and Theresa May hung side by side like twin avenging Valkyries. Cheerful Charlie Chubbington, local butcher, was busy making a mountain of bacon rolls, whilst ‘Jerusalem’ and ‘Land of Hope and Glory’ played softly in the background. “In the afternoon,” he confided to me, “we’ll switch to jam sandwiches”.
Stronger remedies were available in a side room where a Matron-like figure stood in front of a seated walrus-moustached man. “You’ve been a very naughty boy, haven’t you, Major,” I heard her say as she rapped a ruler across his outstretched palm. “Yes Matron,” he whimpered. I moved on.
Henrietta Willowy-Hazel, Area Organiser for Operation Outreach as it’s known in Tory circles was happy to go into more details. “The early stages are the most difficult,” she said, “but once we’ve got a nice cup of tea into them they begin to calm down and we can start the delicate operation of removing UKIP rosettes, Nigel Farage badges”, she shuddered slightly, “and other paraphernalia. A bit like a knife amnesty, we’re also offering an exchange service where UKIP mugs are replaced with Conservative ones.”
I questioned whether the other parties were offering similar support and nearly got my head bitten off. “You mean Corbyn’s Labour?” she hissed, through gritted teeth. “That squeaky Tim Farron’s Lib-Dems? The SNP??? Plaid Cymru!!??” she almost shouted. “These poor dears are just a little bit deluded. Not stark raving bonkers!!!”
That opinion seems to be borne out by information received from the office of Professor Diane Abbott PhD (Maths), Labour’s spokesperson on UKIP Affairs, which stated that at least twelve million Kippers were expected to take advantage of the scheme today. That’s a lot of cups of tea and a veritable Everest of bacon sandwiches. And not a Harris Tweed three-piece suit or flat cap in sight.