In what is looking like increasingly desperate attempts to carry on extorting cash out of Britain, currently the EU’s second-largest contributor, after BREXIT, sources in Brussels say that the EU’s Ministry Of User Languages & Dialects (MOULD) plan to copyright the two-letter combination ‘eu’, since it also forms the acronym for European Union, later this year. Member states would be able to carry on using ‘eu’ free of charge whilst non-members and ex-members will be charged at a rate of 1 Euro per word. That may not sound a lot but when multiplied by the number of words including ‘eu’ and then by the likely number of uses, per day, the bill could quickly escalate to millions of pounds per year.
At first glance it might seem that the occurrence of the ‘eu’ letter group in the English language may not be that prevalent. After all, it is much more noticeable in the Romantic languages – French in particular, with words like ‘fleur’ (flower), jeune (young) etc quickly coming to mind. However a careful search of English lexicography reveals a host of words which you might not immediately think of. From four-letter words, ‘feud’ and of course ‘euro’ itself, through mid-sized words such as ‘museum’, ‘queuing’ and ‘masseur’, the long fifteen-letter words such as ‘entrepreneurial’ up to the giants of the ‘eu’ group, words like ‘hydropneumopericardium’ and of course all words containing ‘neuro’. The list is actually rather long and the cost implication correspondingly large.
Frau Professor Doktor Iva Von Buttplugg, who previously made headlines with the
proposal, later dropped, to ban Greenwich Mean Time and who has since moved from the Ministry of Time to MOULD is unapologetic for the change and is adamant that it has nothing to do with continuing to get money out of Britain, post-Brexit. “Britain does not ‘own’ the English language,” the blue-haired academic spat. “But the European Union does retain the right to dictate the use of all languages currently used within its borders.” (Readers may remember that a previous attempt to make the English more French as reported here failed completely when met with an Anglo-Saxon wall of blank incomprehension). “The charges only apply to official correspondence, news reporting, advertising etc,” Frau Buttplugg added. “Although, as good citizens we would expect members of the public to report themselves if using words such as ‘Museum’ in private conversation or correspondence as they would in Germany, we know that is too much to expect from you people.”
Little Timmy Farron, formerly house-elf to both Jeremy Corbyn and Boris Johnson, and who recently returned from the Hogwarts enquiry into Jeremy Corbyn’s muggleness welcomed the move. “Anything that keeps us close to the EU has to be a good thing,” he squeaked excitedly. The British people may feel otherwise however. There is a very useful two-word English phrase which may well sum up their response. And it does have a ‘u’, (and a ‘c’ a ‘k’ an ‘o’ and several ‘f’s). But no ‘e’.