The wizarding world, and especially its famous School of Magic, Hogwarts, was rocked last week when a spelling mistake in The Guardian (of course) made it appear that Boris Johnson had accused Jeremy Corbyn of being a Muggle rather than of being a Mugwump. (As in the non-magical world, The Grauniard remains the paper of choice for magical academics in addition to The Daily Prophet and other wizarding titles).
This was especially worrying for the famous school since both the senior politicians involved are not only alumni of Hogwarts but have also served as teachers there. Jeremiah Bernadius Corbynista, is a one-time Potions teacher whilst it will come as no surprise to most Muggles to learn that Borisonian Buffoonerism Johnson was one of Hogwarts most renowned Defence Against The Dark Arts teachers and inventor of the fiendishly deadly Discombobulation Maximus curse which has since been banned by the Ministry of Magic. The curse, which has the effect of making its target behave like a lovable buffoon with a penchant for dangling off zip-wires, was declared unsafe after it rebounded off the impenetrable ego of Death Eater Diane Abbott. The effects on Boris Johnson, (his muggle alias) can be seen to this day with the residual magic frequently having to be physically discharged by the process of running his hands frantically through his hair.
In order to clear up the matter quickly, both politicians were summoned to Hogwarts to have their magical abilities retested. Joining them was House Elf Timmy, who at one time or other had worked for both teachers during their time at Hogwarts. Wearing a discoloured rag, that on closer inspection was revealed to be a ‘Lib-Dem Winning Here’ flag, Timmy said that he’d definitely say ‘whatever the big boys told him to.’
Extensive testing revealed that whereas Borisonian Buffoonerism Johnson had lost none of his magic, Jeremiah Bernadius Corbynista was almost reduced to Muggle status, only able to successfully cast the Bullshitting Colossus spell (which causes weak-minded people to believe anything the person casting the spell says).
In fact, this turned out to be a thoroughly miserable visit for the Labour Leader as the Ministry of Magic also took the opportunity to confiscate the Magic Money Tree seized by Labour activists from the Lib-Dems earlier that week and which had been safely stored at Labour Headquarters, 105 Victoria St, Westminster, London and guarded day and night by black-overalled jack-booted enforcers hired from United Airlines. The tree is now safely stored in Gringotts Bank and is under magical protection, which will significantly dent Labour’s election manifesto spending plans and may force them, even at this late stage, to come up with a proper manifesto in readiness for the Snap Election.