Liberal Democrat Leader, Tim Farron, (aged 13¾) reacted with fury this morning when it emerged that the ‘Red Hand Of Labour’ a far-left activist group of Corbynistas had stolen the Lib-Dems Magic Money Tree from its vault at Lib-Dem Headquarters, Looney House, Fantasy Island, La La Land.
The Magic Money Tree, has been at the heart of Lib-Dem Manifesto promises for nearly thirty years, since the Liberal Democrats were formed on 3 March 1988 by a merger between the Liberal Party and the Social Democratic Party. It seems that the well-planned raid to seize the tree by a dozen activists all cleverly disguised as Paddy Ashdown, is needed to fund Labour’s most recent manifesto promises in light of the Snap General Election which include finding money from absolutely nowhere, and without increasing public borrowing, to fund pay rises for the NHS, as well as reintroducing bursaries and scrapping tuition fees for student nurses. These promises come alongside commitments to increase the minimum wage to £10 per hour, extend free school meals to all primary school children, increase the Carers’ Allowance by £10 a week, guarantee the rights of EU citizens to remain in the UK regardless of how UK nationals are treated elsewhere in the EU and provide a £500 billion National Investment Bank to help the economy recover after Brexit. Labour is also keen to see the UK remain in the Single Market and to allow free movement of people into the UK regardless of the cost to the country.
Lib-Dem mastermind and strategic thinker, Nick Clegg is more furious that Labour also appears to have ‘stolen the Lib-Dems clothes in much the same way that Theresa May was accused of stealing UKIP’s. “It’s not Labour’s job to present half-baked, unrealistic, un-costed manifesto promises,” he stormed angrily whilst Timmy stamped his feet and sucked his thumb furiously in his playpen. “It could end up with all delusional voters voting for Corbyn and the complete annihilation of us as a political party once and for all!”
In unrelated news, UKIP’s embattled leader, Paul Nuttall, took a break from running from Guardian reporters to deny that a recent update to his website claiming that he had originally been a black, disabled, transgender woman from Milton Keynes was a cynical attempt to manipulate voters feelings in advance of the Election. “I have no idea how that got there, the Phd, ex-professional footballer said. “It was probably Nige’s idea of a joke.”