In breaking news from Brussels, senior UKIP sources have sensationally confirmed that Mike ‘Basher’ Hookem is to move from his position as UKIP’s Defence Spokesman, following the ‘altercation’ on Wednesday between Steven Woolfe, UKIP’s Spokesman on Migration and Financial Affairs and a ‘door frame’, at which Mr Hookem was also coincidentally present.
It now seems almost certain that Basher will move from his political role and, now that the UKIP leader is once again in sole control of the Party, become Nigel Farage’s Close Protection Team. The team which currently has several Close Protection Officers, will no longer be needed and will be stood down with immediate effect.
The source added that “following Mr Woolfe’s brain scan, (which was thankfully fine), and seeing as how we’d rented the equipment for the whole hour, we took the opportunity to scan Mike too but were unable to detect any conclusive signs of brain activity. This seems to confirm a widely held view that Mike’s quicker with his fists than with his thoughts and would be happier contributing to the Party in a less cerebral and more physical role from now on.”
The Party’s finances have been a cause for concern in recent weeks and the cost-saving in replacing the Party Leader’s security team with one ‘handy ex-bootneck’ will happily also go some way to addressing this problem.
We asked Basher’s team for an offical comment but were told that if we wanted to discuss it further then we’d have to remove our jackets and take it, Mano E Mano, outside. An offer which we declined bearing in mind the number of homicidal door frames there appears to be in Strasbourg nowadays.