Rutland Councillors were left reeling yesterday following reports that a cyclist had been observed using one of the county’s thousands of miles of cycle paths.
Councillor Queen, Portfolio Holder for Everything said, “We simply put all these paths in to use up a huge glut of money which we’d otherwise be unable to explain away. Having observed cyclists in Rutland it never occurred to us for one second that anyone would actually think of riding on them!”
Kevin Whiney, Chairman of local cycling group, Sad Men In Lycra – England, agreed. “Our members join SMILE for two main reasons,” he said. “Firstly, in the hope that members of the public will think they’re Sir Bradley Wiggins, Chris Froome or Sir Chris Hoy – that’s why they spend such a lot on copycat lycra cycle-wear. And secondly simply for the joy of obstructing as many motorists as possible, for as long as possible, filming the resultant frustration on their helmet cams and then reporting them to the police. Cycling today has very little to do with healthy exercise or getting from A to B – that’s a hopelessly dated idea.”
The 2016 edition of the world-famous local guide, Rennett’s Rutland, reports that, with the recent surge in building cycle paths, Rutland now has 250,000 miles of them. This means that if all the separate paths were laid end to end, it would be theoretically possible to cycle from Rutland Water, home of the Rutland Belle and the equally famous Rutland Deep Blue to the Moon – a mere 238,900 miles away. That is of course if you had enough strength to pedal out of the Earth’s gravity well on the way out, and the Moon’s on the way back, and could hold your breath for the 237 days required, cycling at a steady 12mph, for the return trip.
Kevin Whiney dismisses that idea, however. “What would be the point?” he said, pouting at the RRFM (Rutland Radio Fluffy Microphone). “The idea of staying on a cycle path for 238 feet is nothing short of sacrilegious, 238 thousand miles, unthinkable! Besides, I don’t see me blocking many cars doing that. Do you?”
No, Kevin. But, we think you should give it a try…