Highly placed sources within the Scottish Nationalist Party have sensationally confirmed today that, in the event of a successful Scexit Vote, which would see Scotland separated from the rest of the UK, (whilst remaining part of the EU), Nicola Sturgeon would be prepared to assume the mantle of Queen of Scotland.
Scotland has not had a sovereign Queen since 1567, when Mary, Queen of Scots was forced to abdicate in favour of James, her one-year-old son, who would end up becoming James VI of Scotland and James I of England. After an unsuccessful attempt to regain the throne, she fled southwards seeking the protection of Queen Elizabeth I of England. As she’d previously claimed Elizabeth’s throne as her own and was considered the legitimate sovereign of England by many English Catholics, the English queen understandably perceived her as a threat and had her confined in various English castles and manor houses. After eighteen and a half years in custody, Mary was found guilty of plotting to assassinate Elizabeth and was subsequently beheaded; a fate which ‘Queen Nicola’ would be likely to escape since Capital Punishment has been banned in the UK since 1965.
In a nod to Scotland’s Auld Alliance with France and reinforced by the two countries shared membership of the EU, once Queen Nicola ascends to the Scottish throne, Alex Salmond, famous internationally for his role as an alien foodstuff in Men In Black would take the role of Dauphin.
However, it seems that the sky’s the limit for the expectant future Scottish monarch. Pointing out that Armstrong is a name of Scottish origin, the SNP have claimed title to the Moon on the basis that Neil Armstrong, with his supposedly Scottish ancestry, was the first man to set foot on lunar soil. “Nicola Sturgeon would be the first person to bring an actual entire planetary body under her sole control and by default the Moon would then be eligible to join the EU. After Albania, Macedonia and Serbia,” he added, “but definitely before Turkey.”
“The Moon has almost unlimited mineral resources,” he said, “and as such will provide a massive boost to the economy of the EU. Given, they may be somewhat difficult to extract and export to EU countries but with our long history of extracting oil from the North Sea, this is a problem that won’t tax a country like Scotland for too long.”
The future Scottish monarch was unavailable for comment at the time of writing. Sources outside the SNP confirmed that ‘Wee Stampie’ as she is affectionately known by her closest aides, was ‘sitting in a cupboard having a massive sulk over something or other’. We can only hope that she re-emerges in time for her ‘coronation’.