Nigel Farage, hero of the hour and leader of UKIP (United Kingdom Independence Party) has laughed off reports that pro-Remain author, J K Rowling, has sent Dementors from Azkaban after him.
Rowling, a leading member of GAOL (General Assembly Of Luvvies) refused to confirm or deny that the Dementors had been despatched although Azkaban, (known to Muggles as Milton Keynes) has been noticeably more cheerful since ‘Independence Day’. It’s a well documented fact that Dementors drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them and since their presumed departure to hunt the Brexit leader, Britain’s newest city has become a much more cheerful place.
Fellow luvvie, Bendyold Cummerbund said of the Brexit decision that it was a ‘catastrophic day for the British Arts scene.’
“The wonderful EU invested millions of Euros so that we could indulge in the sort of introspective, self-absorbed, narcissistic navel-gazing projects that would never see the light of day if audiences had to decide whether they were worth paying for, ” he said, stroking his goatee reflectively. “No more Tracy Emin – ‘My Bed’, no more Carl Andre’s piles of bricks. No more, art-house film projects such as the one I’m currently working on – ‘Plop! News Review’, which features me sitting on a toilet, reading a newspaper for three hours. Great treasures like these – lost for ever…”
A senior spokesman for UKIP said that it was doubtful that the Dementors, even if they found their quarry, (which they could probably do by heading straight to his local pub) would have any effect on the ebullient UKIP leader. “Nigel has faced the likes of Jean-Claude Junckers, Martin Schultz and even Dementor look-alike Herbert Van Rompuy for many many years,” he said. “You could say that he’s complete immune to evil forces draining peace, hope and happiness out of the air around him as would anyone who’s sat in the European Parliament for as long as he has.”
Sir John Major, leader of the British Death Eaters, passionate Remainiac and proud owner of the most sausage-like pointing finger in British politics was unavailable for comment but it’s believed that he has taken his House Elf, Cammy, and gone to Berlin to brief She Who Must Not Be Named, on the outcome of the Referendum.