In a shock announcement yesterday, that was definitely not more scaremongering, the Prime Minister has announced that a vote for Brexit will lead, No Ifs, No Buts, to Earth being demolished to make way for a Hyperspace Bypass.
“I have been directly contacted,” he is reported as saying, “by Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz of the Galactic Hyperspace Planning Council who has assured me that, should the voters of Britain make the wrong decision on the 23rd June, ignoring my previous advice about economic collapse, being blocked from trading with Europe, being sent to the back of the ‘Queue’ by the USA, being ‘nuked’ by North Korea, the collapse of the NHS, the destruction of the EU State leading to European-wide war and genocide resulting finally in Armageddon, then the Vogons will have no alternative but to proceed with their bypass.”
The Vogon’s ambassador to Earth, Herman Van Rompuy was unavailable for comment yesterday and it is widely believed that he is currently back on the mother ship for further facial remodelling in an attempt to make him look less Vogon and more human although, as can be seen with the’Angela Merkel’ model, this technique is not always 100% effective.
OUT Campaigners today played down fears that Earth would become a little used intergalactic diversion, a North Circular rat-run on the interstellar highway as a result of Brexit. “Mr Cameron’s been reading a lot of Douglas Adams recently, we hear,” said a senior Vote Leave source. “Most likely, this is the cause of his latest anxiety.”
Senior Whitehall sources confirmed that sometimes the Prime Minister’s choice of night-time reading material influenced his decision-making. “Not only that,” one was quoted as saying, “but the films he watches affect him deeply too. He watched ‘Independence Day’ the other evening believing it to be a pro-Brexit film about Referendum Day and was so traumatised by the scenes of destruction that he ordered Britain’s Space Fleet to be put on full alert. We had to tell him we don’t have a ‘Space Fleet’ because we’ve sent all the money we could have used to build one to India to fund their space programme.”