With Remain and Brexit leafleting in full spate, as the date of the EU referendum draws near, sources inside the Electoral Commission have claimed today that the EU is to ban the spatula’s use as a leafleting aid on the grounds that food preparation devices, such as the humble spatula, should not be used for political purposes.
“A spatula’s place is in the kitchen,” stated a senior official, “not in the pockets of anoracked leafleteers spreading their disinformation around the country.” It should be noted that most volunteer leafleteers work for the Out campaign as Remain tend to post all their pamphlets via the Royal Mail.
Veteran leafleteers have long known that the spatula is a useful leafleting tool. Folding the leaflet around the end of the spatula defeats the often inpenetrable ‘brush’ fitted to many letterboxes to prevent drafts but which also prevents flimsy leaflets from being put through. Additionally, if dogs are present, many leafleteers prefer to lose a Wilkos spatula rather than the end of a finger. (NB – this does not always apply to Lib-Dem Leafleters).
The EU has made it clear that this is in no way intended to hamper the efforts of the Out campaigners and to that end have announced that a bespoke leafleting tool will be available from approved EU outlets by the end of May. The carefully designed Special Purpose Automatic Transfer Universal Leafleting Apparatus (SPATULA for short) has been designed to comply with all current EU, and Electoral Commission directives. In short:
- The SPATULA will be coloured in the party colours of the politcal party carrying out the leafleting. As an example, UKIP leafleters will carry a SPATULA coloured purple on one side and yellow on the other.
- All SPATULAs will be clearly marked on one side with the political symbol of the relevant political party. Any writing involved in this marking must be Times New Roman, Bold, 20pt font.
- All SPATULAs will carry an imprint running along the handle as is required for election leafleting. Eg – This SPATULA is being used by Joe Bloggs on behalf of the UK Independence Party, Lexdrum House, King Charles Business Park, Newton Abbot, Devon
- All SPATULAs will have been certified under EU Health & Safety provision EU-OSHA/Directive 2016/69/EC – Splintering , to be safe from splintering and causing injury to dogs or outraged householders.
The SPATULA (not to be confused with the humble spatula), is expected to retail for about £25 due to the many safeguards built into it. Remain campaigners, however, will be able to apply for an EU funded discount of £24-50 thus reducing their outlay to 50p. The main reasons for the high costs have been the carefully controlled blunting of the SPATULA in order that it cannot be utilised as an edged weapon, the setting up of mandatory SPATULA training courses for all leafleters as well as the funding of a force of SPATULA Wardens who will be empowered to carry out spot inspections of leafleters to ensure that OUT campaigners are not using the 2500% cheaper Remain SPATULA. Chief Inspector Ima Numtyarse of Scotland Yard’s Alternative Weaponry Squad confirmed that the blunting had long been lobbied for by the Metropolitan Police. “We’ve had instances where the original spatula has been sharpened to an extent where it qualifies as an edged weapon,” she said. “In the hands of a Sensei Leafleter they can do real damage. I’ve known one UKIP leafleter, armed only with his honed spatula and a photo of Nigel Farage, take out a whole Swat Team, and then go home to mix up a nice green salad with the same implement for his tea.
*Disclaimer. ‘Joe Bloggs’ is just used as an example. Any resemblance to a real ‘Joe Bloggs UKIP Leafleter’ is entirely coincidental. However, proponents of the multiverse theorem will know that in one of these parallel universes there may well be a ‘Joe Blogs UKIP Leafleter’. Assuming that there is a UKIP in that parallel universe. Or an EU…