In a huge shock for the loyal people of his country who need his steadfast, unwavering and charismatic leadership, ahem ahem, now more than ever, David Cameron has vowed to Remain!
The British Prime Minister has said that he will Remain in Lanzarote until all the “nasty ‘anti-EU talk and pro-Brexit rhetoric’ stops. Even if that means that Samantha and I sit here drinking Euro-lager until the end of June. So there!”
Britain’s embattled Prime Minister jetted off for an Easter break in Lanzarote on Thursday after a ‘tough week’, despite the fact MPs are still working (only vacating the Commons Chamber when Veterans Benefits are being discussed). “People don’t realise just how demanding standing up for Prime Minister’s Questions (PMQs) each and every Wednesday for a whole 30 minutes is,” David Cameron said, clutching a large pizza for support.
Medical sources close to the Prime Minister confirmed that he is suffering extreme eye-strain from avoiding the gaze of pro-Brexit MPs and Ministers, whilst the mental stress of convening totally unbiased and even-handed Cabinet Meetings without being entirely sure that all of those around the table are actually Pro-EU has taken a heavy toll.
“At least, here in Lanzarote, one isn’t subjected to the spectacle of soon-to-be ex Ministers like Iain Duncan Smith and Michael Gove making entirely reasonable and well thought-out Brexit speeches backed up by solid facts and common sense,” one of the Prime Minister’s aides added. “And to the best of my knowledge, nobody’s called him ‘Ca-moron’, ‘Climb-down Cameron’ or ‘Call Me Dave’ for a whole week now.”
And the tonic seems to be working. So far, the Camerons have, according to local reports, not left any of their children in the multitude of bars, bistros and restaurants visited to date.
Rumours that George Osborne has fled the United Kingdom in his luxury yacht to join his ‘bestie on the beach’ remain unsubstantiated at the time of writing.