Say ‘OUI’ to France says Francois Hollande

HollandeIn a potential boost for the Remain campaign, President Hollande of France has offered immediate French citizenship to the voters of those English counties lying closest to France,
providing that a majority of them vote to remain ‘En EU’. This adds to concerns raised that Scotland could break away from a ‘Brexited’ England as, due to the British people’s well-known love of everything French, potentially Kent, East Sussex, West Sussex, parts of Hampshire and the Isle of Wight (L’île de Blanc) could all formally transfer to become part of the French Republic, or La Petite Gaul as the new region would be named.

This would not be the first time that France and England have shared a land border, rather than La Manche.  The Pale of Calais, Calais Pale is a historical region in France that was controlled by England following the Battle of Crecy in 1346.  This part of France remained under English control until 1558  including, for some time, the area of Aquitaine – a period of over 200 years.  During that time, the people of the Pale of Calais retained their identity as French and Flemish speakers.  A privilege unlikely to be extended to the new citizens of La Petite Gaul.  

Bien sûr, La Petite Gaul doit parler Français!!!” explained Jean-Pierre Grenouille, EU Minister for Harmonisation of Languages.  “We are already seeing encouraging results from our campaign to increase the use of French in the European Region formerly known as Great Britain!”  Denying that the French government had deliberately targeted only the area of England within 200 miles of Paris, to avoid including anybody from Essex, M’sieur Grenouille, went on to say that there was clear evidence that French TV programmes were gaining in popularitCapturey along England’s South Coast as a direct result of the French language harmonisation campaign.  “Our potential new citizens now regularly tune into French cookery programmes such as ‘La Magie D’Oignons’, The Magic of Onions’, and ‘Cent Façons de Faire Cuire un Escargot’, (One Hundred Ways to Cook A Snail) rather than the your ‘Great British Bake-Off, which appears to be all about stodgy cakes or so-called ‘Masterchef’ (which I sincerely doubt England has any of!).

English voters seemed less convinced however.  Bert Brown a builder from Bexley Heath said, “I’m not so sure I want to spend every day wobbling around on a dodgy bicycle wearing a beret and with a string of onions around me neck.  Also, them French birds all have hairy armpits and moustaches – innit?”

In the wake of information, released by the Remain campaign, clearly confirming that, following Brexit not only would  Calais Jungles spring up all over Southern England but that a plague of zombies, alien abductions, nuclear annihilation by North Korea and ultimately Armageddon would  follow, M’sieur Hollande appears confident that the southern counties of England will fall into line and looks forward to welcoming them into a ‘Greater France’.  “Perhaps we’ll even have to change our national motto for La Petite Gaul from Liberté, Égalité, Fraternité to Liberté, Égalité, Fraternité, Luvvly Cuppa Tea”, chortles M’sieur Grenouille, displaying characteristic Gallic wit.

Magnifique!  Should be a piece of (stodgy) cake!



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