CumberbanditDismayed by the backlash following revelations that the New Year’s honours list includes, to quote the Daily Mail, ‘a CBE for a Sex Shop Queen, gongs for cronies, donors and bungling bureaucrats’ as well as the compulsory list of self-styled ‘celebrities’ and assorted leftie luvvies, the government has announced a radical reform of the whole system.

Sir David Cameron, PM, Rt Hon, MP, OBE, CBE, MBE, CMG, KCMGcameron, GCMG, OGL, BA, BSc, MA, MSc, DSO (with bars),  DFC, VC, GC, MC and Scouting Proficiency badges 1 – 10 denied that  ‘honours were given out like candy to kids at Trick or Treat’ or that the current system in any way devalued the honours themselves .

“I’ve collected quite a few myself,” he said modestly.  “Even more than the stamps on my House of Commons Costa Coffee Loyalty Card, in fact, and I remain entirely confident that I’ve earned each and everyone of them.  In fact, I’m just off Captureto the Palace to be awarded an award for conspicious bravery – visiting the flood-struck proles of York without my Hunter wellies.”

However, senior Whitehall sources have confirmed that the system will be simplified in the New Year and according to a leaked briefing document seen by this publication the new system will be:

MBE – Member of the British Empire:  Will be awarded to anyone who can prove that they voted Conservative in 2015.

OBE – Officer of the British Empire:  Will be awarded to anyone who has been a member of the Conservative party for at least three months and voted Conservative in 2015.

CBE – Commander of the British Empire:  Will be awarded to anyone who fulfills the above criteria and has contributed over £100 to the Conservative party.

In order to avoid a ‘glut’ of titled persons clogging up the streets and Sleeping Peerspossibly the benches of the House of Lords, previously bestowed Honours for people that failed to vote the correct way in 2015 will be removed meaning that a whole raft of Lib-Dem peers will now have to find somewhere new to sleep the day away.

“It actually matters very little in any case,” our informant told us.  “Once the sheeple of Britain have voted us all irrevocably into the EU, the whole system will be dismantled anyway and replaced by an EU Honours sytem including the Junckers Merit Badge, the EU Citation for Political Correctness and the Merkel Award for Good Citizenship and you won’t need to have sold a single sex toy to receive one of those.”




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