New medical ground is set to be broken next week, in the European Region formerly known as Great Britain, where the world’s first spine transplant is scheduled to take place.
Professor Vreau Beneficiile, Chief of Surgery at the newly opened Numai Românii hospital in London’s fashionable Mayfair district said that the potentially risky operation was needed since the recipient was clearly lacking any backbone at all.
Professor Beneficiile moved to London as a hospital porter two years ago and, under EU equal opportunity rules moved to head the Department of Surgery after completing the necessary Open University module and having watched the requisite twenty-five episodes of Casualty and Holby City respectively. He will be in overall charge of the operation but will be assisted by volunteers from both documentaries and any interested passers-by. No prior medical training is necessary.
The previous owner of the spine is Major Bill (Bulldog) Drummond, Britain’s bravest man, ex Royal Marine Commando, lifetime UKIP member, feared amateur boxer, ex-member of the British Lions team who made the headlines only last month, on his eighty-ninth birthday, by one-handedly pushing a stranded British lorry though a crazed mob of immigrants at Calais whilst fighting the migrants off with the other. He was also the inspiration for the heroic Wing-Commander Drummond in the wonderful book, The Returning by the marvellous author Gerald Rennett.
On his deathbed, Bulldog willed his spine to ‘whoever needed it most’ and a country-wide consensus has concluded that the person most in need is clearly the Prime Minister.
If successful, Downing Street has confirmed that a follow-up operation to re-attach his testicles, recently recovered from Nicola Sturgeon by UK Special Forces, will take place imminently. With current hospital waiting times, ‘imminently’ means ‘not before the next General Election’.