RETURN THE CONQUERING HERO!
In scenes reminiscent of Chamberlain’s return from Munich in 1938, the Prime Minister has returned clutching ‘a piece of paper’ detailing huge concessions made by an EU desperate to retain the European Region formerly known as Great Britain within its fold!
On 30th September, 1938, Chamberlain landed at Heston Aerodrome and addressed the crowds:
‘The settlement of the Czechoslovakian problem, which has now been achieved is, in my view, only the prelude to a larger settlement in which all Europe may find peace. This morning I had another talk with the German Chancellor, Herr Hitler, and here is the paper which bears his name upon it as well as mine… We regard the agreement signed last night and the Anglo-German Naval Agreement as symbolic of the desire of our two peoples never to go to war with one another again.’
Less than a year later Great Britain declared war on Nazi Germany following that country’s annexation of Poland.
Chief amongst the concessions the current Prime Minister has courageously wrestled from Herr Juncker is an absolute rescindment of the ban on Dad’s Army reported on this page previously in Not Too Quiet On The Western Front? BBC executives are reportedly delighted with this volte-face and have promised to reinstate the series, now in it’s nine hundred and ninety first rerun, with absolutely no delay whatsoever.
With his usual keen eye for topical concerns locally the Prime Minister also managed to extract a cast-iron guarantee protecting British fishing rights over all rivers lying within the UK mainland. (Off-shore fishing rights were of course given away years ago resulting in the collapse of Britain’s fishing industry). Anglers are urged to immediately report Dutch or French trawlers spotted on the Thames, or other main rivers, to the Europolice.
Other massive concessions won by the King of the Negotiation Table and his team of Eton chums were:
– The right to retain the word ‘English’ on food products such as ‘English Mustard’.
– The removal of the impending requirement to adopt the Continental approach to negotiating roundabouts (where joining traffic has the right of way).
– Key sporting events (Wimbledon, The Ashes, the FA Cup Final etc) to remain based within the United Kingdom providing the EU names for these events is adopted (Capriceclochedon, Les Cendres, Le FA Coupe Finale etc).
Minor issues such as Sovereignty, Border Control, Free Movement of People, Benefit Changes, the African Immigrant Crisis and the Siege of Calais were left out of the discussions, however Herr Juncker has promised to ‘definitely give them some thought’.
Under the sort of inspirational leadership so clearly displayed by Our Great Leader, who would now have the temerity to not vote for full and final absorption into the European Superstate?