Vladimir Putins sabre-rattling gets ever louder, with Russian Bear bombers frequently probing the airspace of the European Region formerly known as Great Britain, open warfare on the Russian / Ukrainian border and last week’s news that Russia would put more than 40 new intercontinental ballistic missiles into service this year as s part of a wide-reaching programme to modernise the country’s military.
Against this forbidding background, in all parts of the powerful European Defence Force (EDF), preparations are being made to deal with the threat from the East.
In Paris, the capital of the European Region formerly known as France, the city is working hard to identify gaps in its famous rows of Horse Chestnut trees lining the Champs Elysee and to fill them with hastily grown replacements in the event that the surrender of Paris takes place in the full heat of the summer.
In what used to be called Italy, famous Italian regiments such as the Calzone Regimenti of Naples, have been undergoing emergency language training and are now able to say ‘I Surrender’ in Russian, Serbian and Ukrainian, thus covering all likely eventualities.
Closer to home, the British military, buoyed up by the planned addition of two aircraft carriers, without any aircraft are looking forward to receiving an additional 250 Challenger 2 Main Battle Tanks, without any shells and 1000 new SA-80 Assault Rifles, without any bullets and fitted with wooden bayonets for Health and Safety reasons. However, front-line troops are undergoing voice-projection training by experts from the famous Royal Academy of the Dramatic Arts (RADA) and being taught to shout ‘BANG’, very loudly.
Nevertheless, the Russian bear may have it’s teeth pulled by an unexpected adversary, age-old foes of Russia – the mighty Finns…
Finland is no stranger to standing up to Russia. It was incorporated into the Russian Empire as the autonomous Grand Duchy of Finland, from 1809 until the Russian Revolution of 1917 prompted the Finnish Declaration of Independence. During the Finnish Civil War the pro-Bolshevik Finnish Socialist Workers’ Republic was defeated by the pro-conservative “Whites” with support from the German Empire. As a republic, during WW2, Finnish forces fought in three separate conflicts: the Winter War (1939–1940) and Continuation War (1941–1944) against the Soviet Union and the Lapland War (1944–1945) against Nazi Germany.
Cleaning his Vitunvaltavaveitsi on the pelt of a bear he’d just killed with his bare hands, Pekka Runkkarri, Merkittävä-Eversti of the HaistaVittuVittuNaama Brigade based in Oulu said, “Let Ivan come this way again and he’ll be heading back to Moscow minus his siitin! And that goes for his brother Igor too!!!” The HVVN, border troops equipped with attack reindeer, are amongst the most feared of Finland’s impressive military machine and are usually deployed guarding the Kone Northern Ostrobothnia Barrier (KNOB).This barrier stretches across Finland from just north of Oulu to the border east of Isokuusikko – a distance of some 150 miles. As reported previously on this page, ‘Vitunisomakkara’, as it’s affectionately known by Finns, along with the additional protection of deadly man-eating moose and elk that have been released into the border area are all that lie between Finland’s fabled Rannikolla Alko and the warlike Lapp separatists.
The most recent pre-emptive strike against Russia has now failed. Under GREXIT PLUS a team of Greek Financial Advisers were secretly inserted into Moscow to undermine the economy from within, thus causing a crash in the value of the rouble and weakening Putin economically. (It’s understood that the Russian Dancer countermeasures team were so effective at countering the Greek squad that several of the resultant couples will be appearing on Strictly Come Dancing this autumn (unless that programme is banned as reported previously)).
So, in the words of the HVVN’s inspirational marching song, Olen Hautausmaa (I Am A Graveyard), perhaps we should all look to Finland and remember:
I am a hairy man, I’m cemetery .
I’ve lame duck , I’m walking backwards.
I’m going to man, I ‘m history