The Five Most Common Preconceptions About Finland – EXPOSED!

Finland is a land of snow and ice….

You’ve all heard this one, I’m sure. Finland is snow, ice and in words of Monty Python, the country I quite want to be; pony-trekking, camping or even watching some TV. But we crafty Finns keep the best places to ourselves and Rannikolla Alko, on Finland’s western side, benefits from the Baltic Gulf Stream and basks in +20 degree temperatures for more than eight months a year!! Handkerchief-wearing Brits and deckchair-reserving Germans not wanted here!!!

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Finland is covered with impenetrable pine forests….

Well… This certainly used to be true. As the old Finnish proverb says – A candle can light up the darkest forest – and the Wehrmacht went out of their way to prove this to be true in 1944. However, those parts of the Finnish forest which survived the German blitzkrieg were then cut down in 1991, following the break-up of the Soviet Union. The Finnish government, having become concerned about the risk of attacks from extremist Lapland, had the forests felled and used the wood to build the Kone Northern Ostrobothnia Barrier (KNOB).This barrier stretches across Finland from just north of Oulu to the border east of Isokuusikko – a distance of some 150 miles! Today ‘Vitunisomakkara’, as it’s affectionately known by us Finns, along with the additional protection of deadly man-eating reindeer that have been released into the border area itself, keeps us all safe so that we can continue to enjoy the delights of Ranikolla Alko in peace.

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Finland Has Terrible Architecture…

What???!!! Perhaps our critics are just not seeing big picture here. Check out the beautiful and imaginatively named ‘City Centre’ building below!

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Leading Helsinki architect, Pekka Isorunkkari commented that the ‘brutalist use of concrete and glass in an urban setting and the box-like appearance overall is symbolic of the Finnish nation standing bulwark-like against the rampaging Lapps and eternal enemies, the Russkies to the East and the Swedes to the West’. He added that “we used to use wood but we haven’t found this as useful with Germans as regular visitors.”

Finland is unknown in the sporting  world with the only exception of Ice-Hockey…

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Another jealous lie spread about by our neighbours who we are always defeating at Ice Hockey. Take the FIFA world cup for example! Although Finland chose not to get involved directly because of the risk of humiliating the host nation – Brazil, our own champions league is world-renowned! Our ‘Veikkausliiga’ has such well-known teams as Espoo’s FC Honka, Turku’s FC Inter and Lahti’s imaginatively named FC Lahti. Not only that, many of the current crop of Premier League and World Cup players owe their start to Finnish club sides. Lionel Messi? Originally known as Lionel Messilainen from Haukipudas. Cristiano Ronaldo? We Finns knew him, in his formative years, as Krissy Ronaldopunkki from Tampere. Even David Beckham, as he now prefers to be known, started his playing career at FC Nauris, the home team of one of the most famous Finnish towns – Isonauriskaupunki. Yes, young Dagmar Bekhampuri from Isonauriskaupunki has certainly come a long way. We lay no claim however to either Wayne Rooney or Luis Suarez.

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  1. Finnish Language is too hard to learn…

No it’s not or Ei Ole as we would say… No article, no past, no future, no sex and a mere 17 different word endings – what’s hard about that? Like the great Finno-Roman philosopher Pää Mukurainen said in 160 AD:

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At the end of the day you can pretty much get away with just putting an ‘I’ at the end of every English word – Elephant – Elefanti for example and just string as many words together as you like. We Finns love compound words and a couple which are in everyday use are kolmivaihekilowattituntimittari which means “three phase kilowatt hour meter” and lentokonesuihkuturbiinimoottoriapumekaanikkoaliupseerioppilas, “airplane jet turbine engine auxiliary mechanic non-commissioned officer student”. With these under your belt, as well as ‘Elefanti’, you’re ready to impress the chicks at Rannikolla Alko (assuming the Lapps don’t invade of course)…

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